My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
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[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Does beer think about me too?
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.