*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
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I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before