7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…