*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
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I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
My dad teaching me to drive
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting