If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
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my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot