I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
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My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?