We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
You Might Also Like
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’