oh no, steve’s working tonight
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According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.