When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
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Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
True.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning