If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Meow
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”