Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I was bored.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.