I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
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someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
definitely did not do anything wrong
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Wednesday