Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
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Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.