“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
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Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no