This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
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I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
same energy
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm