Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
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The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.