Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
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[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
water it, i dare you
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
What do you hear?
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly