In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
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Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.