I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
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I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.