I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
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I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
put ‘er there pardner!
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?