Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
You Might Also Like
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Practicing safe sax
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
unbelievably distressed by this ad
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.