Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
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I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
i was baptized in a car wash
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.