My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
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Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
me irl
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.