I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
You Might Also Like
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.