If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
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Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
This dude got his own movie?