My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
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Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny