It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
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The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting