“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
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Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
look at me when i’m typing to you
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder