Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
You Might Also Like
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*