#have a #great #PancakeDay
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[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
The internet is magic sometimes.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not