For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
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If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
それは草
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*