*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
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I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn鈥檛 even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Party hack: Let your guests know it鈥檚 time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I suffer from premature procrastination. It鈥檚 when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
me: goodnight moon 馃檪
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 馃檪
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they鈥檒l never find it.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”