Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
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Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7