Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
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Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.