Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
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If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Thursday Thought.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl