6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
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My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)