ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
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Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
a fate I wish upon no one
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals