You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
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Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
#damn
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
If a snake ate a cake
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.