Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
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I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.