We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
You Might Also Like
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Merica.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.