Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
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It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Only short people can save us
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”