My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
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I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.