Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
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There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
this is the news I live for
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.