“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
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“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Basically.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
this is how life feels
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.