I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
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At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Childbirth is so beautiful
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*