This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
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A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Hmmmmm
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness