*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
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Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
This is a true ally.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa