*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
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Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
You wish you had this many chins.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now