Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
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The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?