Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
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Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.